SPOOK-tacular Halloween Jokes!

SPOOK-tacular Halloween Jokes!

Enjoy these slightly off Halloween jokes, courtesy of Cracked.com



Q: What do witches put on their hair?
A: Scare spray!

Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton want to play football?
A: Because he was probably a homosexual.

Q: What is evil and ugly on the inside and green on the outside?
A: Oprah, if she was painted green.

Q: How can you tell when a witch is really ugly?
A: When she fucks all the wizards to boost her self-esteem .

A: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
Q: A BOO-logna sandwich!

Q: Where do they score heroin?
A: The park.

Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?
A: In the moaning!

Q: When did the ghost fuck your mother?
A: That was uncalled for.
Q: Haw haw haw!

Q: Where do ghosts mail their letters?
A: At the ghost office!

Q: Shouldn't they use the post office?
A: They find it unreliable.

Designer bandages – Let Jesus heal you…

Demonstrate the healing power of your religion and show your children that Jesus really makes everything better with these Jesus adhesive bandages. (with free toy inside!)

Designer bandages are all the rage, or that’s what the folk from Archie Mcphee would like you to think. So if the thought of putting Jesus, a juicy strip of bacon, raw steak or even sushi on your gash turns you on, go right ahead!

Source: CherryFlava

Beware the Train Defecator. Coming to a station near you.

A man has been defecating in trains across south-east England, causing damage costing £60,000 to repair.

Apparently the guy waits until the train is empty (thank god) then proceeds to smear his butt nuggets all over the train. This shit stirrer has evidently struck 30 trains.

According to the BBC: "He travels to various areas and at different times of the day and different days of the week." So the next time you happen to catch a train in south-east England, keep an eye out for a dodgy character looking like he’s really got to go, possibly with dark stains under his fingernails.

Police have released a picture of the suspected turd terrorist and urged the public not to approach the guy if they see him.

Wise words… wise words…

Read the whole story

Music sharing goes underground

Music sharing seems to set to break free from the shackles of the Internet.

Undersound is planning a system, which will allow travelers on the London underground to share the music on their cellphones via a bluetooth network. So in addition to a full nostril of smelly body odour, you can also get a new tune or two from your fellow train commuter.

The idea for Undersound is that people can transfer songs via Bluetooth (using public domain, non-copyrighted, royalty-free or creative commons-friendly music, of course) to a "transfer point" at a particular station. Then others can come along with their own mobile phones and pick up some new tunes as well, leaving a trail of metadata behind them, begging to be analyzed -- in a good way.

Check it out

Source: CherryFlava

N.Y. woman driving naked kills pedestrian

Driver high on drugs strikes man, sending him into electrical wires

Bizarre…..

NEW YORK - A speeding car driven by a naked woman high on drugs hit and killed a pedestrian in the New York City borough of Staten Island, before flipping over and stopping in a parking lot.

The driver, Taliyah Taylor, 24, of Staten Island, was uninjured in the crash and pulled from the upside-down car with no clothes on by employees of a nearby hardware store, said William Smith, spokesman for the Staten Island District Attorney’s office.

She has been charged with driving under the influence of drugs and second-degree manslaughter, Smith said.

The impact of Taylor’s speeding Nissan hitting 41-year-old Larry Simon killed him instantly and sent him flying into above-ground electrical wires, severing his legs, authorities said.

Simon, a lawyer who had previously worked as a prosecutor in the Staten Island District Attorney’s office from 1997 to 2000, was waiting in the median to cross the street and never saw the car, Smith said.

After hitting Simon, Taylor’s car hit a vehicle whose occupants were not seriously injured.

Source

Smirnoff Shakes and Stirs with 007

Smirnoff is riding the Casino Royal wave, hoping to cash in on James Bond's "shaken not stirred".

Take a look and see if it stirs you....

Click here

Give bad drivers and bad car ads the finger

Here’s something you don’t see every day. Honest car adverts, being frank about engines guzzling gas, scooters that make you look like Jamie Oliver and sound like a hairdryer and taunting you with the question: “Do you have more income than style?”

Check it out.

Also, check out this must-have for any car owner. It’s a “Flickin the Bird Pump up Finger” is an inflatable hand that sticks to your car window, and when you squeeze the pump, it communicates your state of mind and intention loud and clear.

Click here to get the finger.

I’ll definitely put one of these on my Christmas list!

Congresswoman says Internet gambling bill will not prohibit online poker

"This (internet gambling) legislation has a loophole big enough to drive a truck through that was designed solely to protect betting on horse racing and lotteries over the Internet," says Congresswoman Shelley Berkley (D-NV), who went on the record with Gambling911.com to discuss the impact, if any, this bill will have on internet gambling.

Read the interview

Spin the Bottle

MARK FOLEY'S 10-STEP REHAB PROGRAM.

Ever been caught taking bribes, muttering anti-semantic phrases or exchanging naked fantasies with teenage boys?

There is life after public humiliation. William Saletan put together a 10-step program on how to blame alcohol for your indiscretions and rehabilitate your career after being caught uttering shameful words or performing offending deeds.

We can all learn from masters like Mel Gibson, Rep. Bob Ney and former Rep. Mark Foley.

Read more

So you knocked her up: A child-rearing guide.

I have to admit. I rather enjoyed reading this. Any article that labels pregnancy an STD, and evidently gets away with it, needs to be applauded.

It’s not that I hate kids or pregnant women or moms or anything like that. Gosh, no. I just enjoyed reading it, and giggled quite a bit doing so, and wanted to share.

WARNING! Hormone-fuelled mommies-to-be, feminists and sensitive people – stop reading now!

So you knocked her up: A child-rearing guide.

Sexual intercourse, we can all agree, is delectable. It is a beautiful and elegant slice of class smothered between two heaving, sweaty college freshmen.

But there is a dark side to the horizontal jog: STDs. Chief among these is a disease known to cause a large, screaming discharge and require nearly two decades of financial support. The illness, known on the street as “pregnancy,” “bun in the oven,” or, in South America, “a flesh tamalé,” CAN be prevented, either through abstinence or an uninterrupted diet of alcohol and prescription medication. Still, nearly ninety percent of Americans will face this horrible affliction in their lifetimes.

Of course, having children isn’t all bad (sorry, we’re required to say that). But now that you’ve crapped out a post-placental want machine, here are some tips on minimizing the detrimental effects your new goblin will have on your heady, go-getter lifestyle.

Read the article

Poker Players Alliance responds to passing of internet gambling provision

The Poker Players Alliance, a grass root organization consisting of some 50,000 plus members, released a statement Saturday afternoon in regard to the passing of legislation that would severely restrict the ability to play poker online.

In a Congressional back room deal, opponents of Internet gambling have added language to port security legislation that would prohibit online wagering. The port security bill with the Internet gambling prohibition language included was approved by the U.S. House and Senate late on Friday evening and will be sent to the President to be signed into law.

"This last minute deal reeks of political gamesmanship. The American people should be outraged that Congress has hi-jacked a vital security bill with a poker prohibition that nearly three fourths of the country opposes," said Michael Bolcerek, president of the Poker Players Alliance, a grassroots advocacy organization of more than 110,000 poker enthusiasts.

"Allowing this bill to become law would run contrary to public opinion and would damage an already fractured relationship between government and the electorate. The millions of Americans who enjoy playing this great game will have the last voice in this debate come Election Day."

Bolcerek pointed to research which shows that 74 percent of Americans oppose federal attempts to ban Internet poker.

Read the poll

"Congress has an opportunity to regulate and tax online poker leading to potentially billions of dollars in annual revenue for the federal government and the states," said Bolcerek. "If the goal of Congress is to protect people from the possible dangers of gambling, a prohibition is the worst way of achieving it.

All it will do is push poker underground, essentially creating online speakeasies, which will provide no protection for youths, no services for the problem gambler and leave only the most unscrupulous operators in the game."

The whole story